Being a manager often comes with its own set of challenges. But one situation that is particularly tricky is when you have two employees who seemingly can’t get along, no matter what. Do you feel like you’ve tried everything and aren’t sure how to get them to stop fighting like they’re in high school? In order to change the relationship between the two feuding employees, you’ll have to get involved, but perhaps not in the way you think.
Your first inclination might be to just punish both employees that are involved. Oftentimes, when you have two employees that are both high performers and great contributors in their own right, their dislike of one another is rooted in fear. This fear can stem from a number of places including the fear of one of them will be promoted faster than the other one, the fear that one of them will perform better than the other, and the fear that if given a choice of which feuding employee to work with the rest of the team will choose the other one as their favorite. These are just a few of the common, generic scenarios that you’ll find in many workplaces, but the only way you’ll figure out what’s plaguing yours is by asking the question.
So what is the right way to ask the question? You’ll need to pull each feuding co-worker aside, and ask the question point blank; “What makes it difficult for you to get along with co-worker XYZ?” There’s a good chance that you won’t get to whole story with one question, but their answer should tell you a lot about the situation. If one employee says that the other one is constantly insulting their work and their ideas, the problem with the relationship could all fall under miscommunication or perception. The dislike could stem from the fact that one employee feels like all the other person does is tear apart their ideas and poke holes in their strategies in front of the team. A good dose of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” might be just what the doctor ordered here. When you sit down with the other employee and he or she feels the same way, dispense the same advice.
The other piece of advice that both these feuding employees could benefit from hearing is a comparison between liking a co-worker and respecting a co-worker. They seemingly are one in the same, but there’s actually a huge difference. When two employees respect each other they think about how they interact with one another and use the “golden rule” to guide their behavior. They think about how to communicate in a way that is not going to cause tempers to flare or offense to be taken because they can understand that they need to treat others in the way they want to be treated, even if they disagree. When two employees like each other, the respect piece is usually inherently, and the ability to joke with one another and wanting to learn about each other’s lives outside of the office is added to their relationship. Bottom line, to respect one another two employees do not have to like one another, but to get along, they have to act respectfully of one another.
Once you can understand the root of the disrespect, you can have a conversation with each employee and start the process of explaining where each of them is coming from. If you uncover that employee A is intimidated that she was promoted and joined a team of much more senior people, and employee B is annoyed by her quick promotion, that gives you a basis to start your conversation between the two of them. It’s not going to be easy to put these two in a room, and it will be a little awkward. But the goal is to get them to see their issues through the other person’s eyes. They will likely never be friends, but with your help, they should at least be able to understand where the other person is coming from, even if they feel like their stance is justified.
Take the time to explain your point of view. Tell them that from your perspective you want them both on the team, and value what they both bring to the organization. Link that to the idea that you don’t expect them to ever be friends with one another, but mutual respect should be something that can grow when both people are accountable for their behavior and gain insight into how the other person feels. Your expectations are that they will move forward in a manner that fosters mutual respect and the gossipping and catty behavior needs to come to an end. The reality is that their behavior is affecting the whole team, and if it continues you’re going to have to make some difficult choices. -Hopefully your conversation never has to take that turn, but it’s something you’ll need to address if they can’t agree to get along.
It’s one of the least favorite problems that managers have to deal with, two feuding co-workers. But dealing with the feud head on, not blaming one employee over the other, and mediating the issues you uncover should be a strategy that not only stops the disrespectful behavior between them, but ultimately improves team morale as a result.