Getting a referral is such a huge compliment, especially, when it comes to your career. Having a friend or colleague go “out on a limb” for you to get you an “in” at their company is a big deal. But how do you handle it when the job or opportunity you were referred to interview for or explore isn’t the right fit? How do you handle it when you have to turn down a job when you were referred by a friend or colleague?
- Honesty is always the best policy
You’re going to want to be honest with your friend or colleague about why you’re not taking the job, but don’t make it personal. Don’t start trashing the people you met with or talk about the below par benefits you think the company offers, rather discuss the reasons related to your career path or the responsibilities of the job that weren’t a fit for you. Remember, this person referred you, so they likely have some affinity to the company, or think it’s a great place to work. Meaning, if you start talking negatively about the company, it’s going to feel like you’re judging the person who referred you on some level.
- Stick to your story
Make sure that the reasons you give the hiring manager, HR or the person who interviewed you about why you’re turning down the offer are the same reasons you give your friend or colleague. Nothing positive will happen if you tell your friend or colleague one thing, they get into a conversation with the hiring manager, and their stories don’t match. It might feel better to give your friend or colleague more “personal” information or reasons about why you’re turning down the offer, but you’re actually putting them in a potentially awkward position. Your friend or colleague will have information that might be beneficial for the hiring manager to hear, but they are torn about how much to share with the person due to their relationship with you. It doesn’t seem like giving both parties the same reasons is the right thing to do. However, it ultimately helps your friend or colleague to be honest, makes it more likely that the hiring manager will consider a referral from them again, and that you aren’t making it personal.
- Thank you thank you thank you
You are likely already planning how you want to say thank you to the friend or colleague that referred you. Taking them out to lunch, sending a small gift, or getting a date on the calendar for happy hour that’s your treat are just a few, personal ways you can let someone know that you really appreciate them. Do something that is appropriate based on your relationship with them, and make sure to address the fact that you had no intention of turning down the opportunity, but were grateful for the chance to explore it. Of course, this is also an opportunity to bring up that you’re happy to return the favor, but only if you’re being genuine.
- Stay professional
The first time you see your friend or colleague after you turned down the offer, stick with the same reasons that previously mentioned. Don’t elaborate or get into the ugly details about why you came to your decision. Neither of you will benefit as a result of focusing on why the referral didn’t work out. Try to keep the conversation brief about the situation, and do your best to move the conversation toward something that isn’t work related.
Turning down any job is never enjoyable. But one that came as a result of a referral can feel even more difficult. Do NOT take the job because you’re afraid to tell the friend or colleague that it’s not the right fit. One difficult conversation is not worth taking a position that isn’t right for you. You can get through this and still maintain your relationship with the person who referred you as long as you’re professional, polite and grateful.