When you’re going through an interview process, even a really rigorous one that includes multiple interviews where you’re meeting with a lot of different people and feel like you’ve told the prospective employer everything there is to know about you, you still might not meet all of your future colleagues. This means that you might not click with some of your new colleagues you met briefly, or did not meet during the interview process, and might question if you made the right move if you’re feeling a lot of tension once you’re on the team.
If you’re starting to feel like you’re on the outside of your new organization for more reasons than actually being the newbie, you can fix it. However, it is going to take you pushing your ego aside in favor of committing to solving your problems and solidifying your relationship with one or more of your new-ish colleagues. Here’s how to get on the road to relationship recovery.
What is the issue? Tension, disrespect, misunderstanding?
Before you resign yourself to the idea that you and your new colleague(s) are never going to get along, try to understand what’s going on. Is there tension between you? Do you feel disrespected? Was there a misunderstanding that went unaddressed? Once you determine the root of the problem, use one of these 12 ways to defuse a workplace conflict from this inc.com article to start a conversation with one or more members of your new team.
How are you reacting to the situation?
Are you generally upset around one or more of your co-workers and that’s translated into your avoidance of everyone? Are you short or snippy with one or more of your colleagues because you feel like they’ve treated you the same way? Even if you feel like your co-workers are not living by the golden rule, treat others the way you’d like to be treated, that doesn’t mean you should sink to their level, or behave even worse. Take ownership of how your emotional state may be affecting your behavior and ability to be a good colleague. Once you understand how your behavior may be painting you in a negative light, go to work on changing your attitude. Use this huffpost.com article to gain more control over your emotions, and become aware of how you react in situations.
Ask more questions
Once you have restarted the conversation with your colleague(s) and have gotten your emotions under control, you’re in a position to start the road to repair with your relationship(s). One way to improve communication, surprisingly, is asking more good questions. This Harvard Business Review article lays out a strategy anyone can follow to get better at asking questions. Remember, people love talking about themselves, and part of building any relationship is getting to know someone, and understanding more about who they are. Get your colleague(s) talking to you, and not only will you start to uncover things you have in common, you just might find you have the makings of a friendship.
Stop being a critic
Take a step back, and determine if you’re guilty of letting a first impression be your guide. As Brene Brown explains, “. . Understanding how and why we judge others, and trading that judgment for a little empathy and self-compassion, can bring more joy to our lives, families and relationships.”
If you find that you have been more judgmental than you needed to be about your new co-workers, or your first impression has caused you to adopt an unreasonable, negative attitude toward them, it’s probably not too late. Resist the urge to criticize your new colleagues via your inner monologue or verbalize your negative thoughts about them. Instead, approach each situation with an open mind and be mindful about how you’re feeling, and stop and ask yourself, “What’s really going on here?” The next time you’re feeling judgmental, don’t give into your thoughts, rather pause to reflect on why you’re wanting to judge, and resist your need to be a critic.
The road to relationship recovery is often filled with twists, turns and the occasional pothole. Joining a new team is hard, but it’s only made harder if you have made snap judgements about one or more people on your new team, and never took a step back to assess if your first impression was really accurate. If you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable enough to ask questions and ask for help, and you pair it with an open mind, you’ll figure out why you might be rubbing your new co-workers the wrong way and can work together to promote open communication that will lead to a better working relationship, and maybe even a friendship.