How to work with someone who’s not self aware

12.11.2019

If you work with people that are not very self aware, it’s not the same thing as working with people that annoy you. It can feel the same, but someone who is self aware, according to Psychologytoday.com is someone who is able to monitor their inner world, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs and understands how their emotions are triggered. On a small scale, it might be tempting to classify the person who microwaves fish in the company breakroom for lunch as lacking self awareness, but someone who makes bad lunch choices might just be inconsiderate rather than truly lacking self awareness. According to inc.com, someone who is truly not self aware might behave like a bully, regularly make excuses, choose to be passive aggressive often, or get defensive easily. So what can you do if you feel like one or more of your colleagues is lacking self awareness?

A Little Feedback?

You probably wish it was as easy as pulling your colleague aside and giving some feedback about the behavior that makes you want to start looking for new colleagues. While it might be the stuff your dreams are made of, in reality, as a first step, it might be a little easier to take the opportunity to be honest when you’re asked to give a 360 review of this individual. If 360 reviews are only reserved for managers and their direct reports, not colleague to colleague, keep reading.  

Provide Specific Examples

As uncomfortable as it can be to directly criticize another colleague’s behavior, you may want to seize an opportunity when it presents itself. If there’s a specific incident that occurs, and you were present to witness it, think critically about if you’re the right person to deliver the message. If you think it could be better received if it were coming from someone else, that’s going to be a delicate dance. Because, if you determine you’re not the right messenger, that means you’re going to have to get someone else involved that you deem a more likely advocate. Once you involve other people, it can feel like the person who is the object of the criticism is being “ganged up” on. If you are the right messenger, and this person trusts you, you’ll want to focus on the situation, and ask how he or she felt in the situation. Was he or she happy with the outcome? Try to get to the bottom of why he or she behaved this way, and discuss how different behavior might be able to achieve better results.

Ask the person you find to be lacking self awareness to put themselves in your shoes

Oftentimes, we operate on “automatic pilot” or aren’t thinking about what we are doing or how we feel. This affects our ability to have an accurate understanding of ourselves and we tend to interpret experiences and conversations in a way that supports our already existing sense of self. You can help a colleague understand how their behavior affects you by telling them how you feel about certain situations you have experienced with them, and asking them how he or she would handle it if they had been in your position. This can commonly be called helping a person re-frame a situation to help them understand their role in a scenario. This can be uncomfortable too, but can help someone see things from another perspective. Ultimately it’s their choice to want to see things from another perspective and understand the impact of their behavior, but it’s one way to start the offending colleague down a path to one type of self awareness.

Practice being mindful

Mindfulness is the key to self-awareness. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” When you  practice being mindful, you will be more present with yourself so that you can “be there” to observe what’s happening around you and understanding why you feel the way you do in certain situations. You don’t have to take up meditation, although most experts recommend it to learn mindfulness, and it’s not about curling up on a yoga mat to change the thoughts you’re having. Rather, being mindful is about learning how to pay attention to your emotions as they arise. You’ll also start to understand how you react to your colleague or colleagues has an impact on the situation. You might question why you go from zero to sixty when he or she speaks up in a meeting the way they do, or why it annoys you so much when it seems like he or she takes every opportunity to interrupt you when you’re talking. Is it really your colleague that’s out of line, or could you be more in control of the way you react to their behavior? 

 

If you have colleagues that lack self awareness, you’re in good company. In a 5 year study conducted by Tasha Eurich and reported on by the Harvard Business Review, the research discovered that “although 95% of people think they’re self-aware, only 10 to 15% actually are.” Instead of looking for a new place to work where you will be surrounded with only colleagues that understand how their behavior impacts those around them, practice the four strategies above to deal with the most common things that drive co-workers crazy about each other.